Parents: Quit Being Narcissists

Parents: Quit Being Narcissists
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Parenting can be described as many different things. Currently, I think parenting is kinda fun. Less stressful than it used to be. Enjoyable, even.

Maybe people will say this comfort is a phase that will pass, but I hope it hangs around in some form. See, I think I’ve stumbled upon an itty-bitty secret nugget about parenting. Ready? Here it is:

 

The moment my parenting life became really fabulous

was when I detached myself from my kids.

 

Okay, I know. Counter-intuitive. But let’s discuss this for a bit.

I don’t necessarily mean detach physically, because my sons and I hang out quite a bit. What I mean by detaching myself is cutting the cord that binds me to thinking that my children and every single thing they do is a reflection of me, my mad parenting skills, and how much love I slather upon them.

Meaning: my kids have a mind of their own and will make decisions apart from me. And sometimes, the choices they make will have nothing to do with me.

(Repeat that a few times. Swirl it around your mouth. Lack of control can sometimes taste bitter.)

The Oddity of Parental Narcissism:

Parents, to be sure, suffer from a weird kind of narcissism. We want our kids to appear a certain way because of how it reflects on us as parents—and that’s where the trouble starts. We want them to appear well-behaved, polite, open-minded, free and easy, (insert adjective of choice) oftentimes not because of what it will mean for them in the future, but because of how it makes us look as their parent right now.

We need to get over that. Fast. A) it’s not about you and B) what a child turns out to be is not completely (ever?) the work of the parent.

You don’t agree? Come on. Let’s be honest. Regardless of how you were raised, don’t you think you have something to do with where you ended up? Or are you still holding on to your parent’s hand? I’m not commenting on the manner in which your parents brought you up—I’m simply saying that somewhere along the line, your choices weren’t about them anymore. You became independent. At some point, at least where I come from, people stop looking at the parent for answers about why the kid does what they choose to do. (Except for in crazy cases of co-dependency…but that’s another blog post.)

That thing where we're super concerned about what our kids do because of how it reflects on us as a parent. -- Parental Narcissism and Why We Need to Give it Up

Child Behavior: A Direct Result of Parenting?

We have to be very careful in saying that kids who are successful are a direct result of their parenting and that kids who screw up are a direct result of their parenting because that theory just doesn’t hold all the water that’s poured into it. Sure, we all know kids who have survived because of their parents…but I think we all know a few that survived despite them as well. Likewise, we all know parents who seemed to do all the right things and ended up turning out a kid or two who couldn’t attend the family holiday dinner because they were in jail. Again.

People like to talk about how adults who were raised with cruddy childhoods need to stop blaming their parents for their current lot in life and realize they have responsibility for where their life ends up. But, class, you can’t say that to one half of the population and ignore its truth for the rest. You can’t cry people are responsible for their own choices! out one side of your mouth, while exclaiming out the other side how perfect your own children will turn out because of the choices you’ve made for them. You can raise kids with all the “right theories” and in the “perfect environment” and still have them turn out to be completely opposite than what you thought because—spoiler alert—they have a mind of their own.

Personality is important! Read more in… It’s Because They’re Homeschooled: Actually, It’s Not

At some point you have to accept this as a possibility. You have to cut the cord and figure out where your responsibility ends and where your child’s takes over. And let it be.

Deep breath. Exhale. Do what you can. They do the rest. And it’s out of your hands.

So, Does Parenting Even Matter?

I know. Now you’re saying, “So, I should just give up? I should just not care? Because my kids are going to turn out the way they’re going to turn out?”

Hold up. Calm your fingers down.

Does parenting matter? Sure it does. And you know what else? It doesn’t. And the truth of the matter is that none of us can see the future so we just don’t know how it’s all going to work out for the kids that got set in front of us.

That, fellow parents of unpredictable offspring, is the hardest thing for us to swallow.

So yes, parents do your best. Give it your all. Go big or go home. But for Pete’s sake, let your kids take some of that responsibility, too. Because you can shove in all the good you want, but it’s their choice (and theirs alone) what comes out on the other end.

Deep breath. Exhale.

I adore my kids. I think they’re pretty darn awesome. Do they still say things that make me want to smack my head? Will they make choices that make me want to hide? For sure. But I think one of the best choices we can make as a parent is to burn the bridge that makes the false connection of my kids are completely this way because of every single choice I’ve made in parenting. For some parents, burning that bridge will be a relief. For some, it’s going to be offensive. I choose to take it as permission to breathe a little easier with the realization that my kids have a brain they can use. After I’ve done my work as a parent, the rest is up to them. It’s their responsibility. Their choice. Not mine.

Deep breath.

Exhale.

Check out my super encouraging (and maybe even funny) book, The Homeschool Highway: How to Navigate Your Way Without Getting Carsick. It might help you get through today with less chocolate.

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3 thoughts on “Parents: Quit Being Narcissists”

  • This is a fantastic post and really true! We as parents all need to be a bit more mindful! Thank you for sharing this!

  • I bet this is going to piss a lot of people off, but you’re so right. If I say I got where I am despite my dubious upbringing, how can I take credit for any of my kids’ choices? All I can do is try to be a better parent and hope they get something out of it. Spot on again, Amy.

  • Yesssssssss and duck! You are so right and darn if at the same time it isn’t hard to let go. I’m a control freak that has learned there is more than one way to do things, so what if it’s not my way, it reached the same goal didn’t it? Ugh I love hate this post. Ha! Prefect Amy

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